I am so happy for this new year. Like a prisoner in a cell, I make a chalk mark on the wall. I got through another year. Hooray for this. This post is about depression. STOP, don't leave. This is a hopeful post about this treacherous malady. I have dealt with depression since I was born. I am not talking about the "oh, I don't feel happy" kind of mood. I mean the kind of state of mind that causes a person to just stop moving. It is something that is so difficult to describe because unless you have lived it, you just don't get it.
I have dealt with depression forever and have the genes to prove it. Treatments? Been there done that. Nothing really works for me except pure, tenacious WILL. I taught myself to just deal with it on my own. Things have always worked out. However back in 2009, there was a major shift in my life. The downward spiral began as usual. I started dealing with it. The difference now is I haven't been able to shake it. Instead, I have spent years trying to rid myself of this feeling of hopelessness and now, increasing life altering anxiety. In fact, what Solomon describes as anxiety is spot on to what I go through every day now. It is horrible, but I am working on it.
I saw this video and it made so much sense to me. It gave me a totally new outlook. Andrew Solomon speaks on his depressive background and his research dealing with other who suffer this disease. One thing he speaks about is the definition of depression. Some people think the opposite of being depressed is being happy. He says the opposite of depression is vitality. I so understand this. Of course, we all want to be happy, but having vitality is what brings us happiness. This is one reason I have been so blue. I need to conjure up the energy that is inside me waiting to get out. It is there. I just have to open the bottle and let it fizz.